Random musings about the NICU experience...

Just a few thoughts that have been running through my head for the last 16 days.  Things you want to talk about sometimes, but don't necessarily get the chance to.

--I feel so dumb for not considering the fact that this could happen again.  Not that knowing about it ahead of time would have changed much; just worried more.  Still feel dumb.

--It doesn't matter if you have been here before, it is still hard!!!

--The only constancy about the NICU is that things always change.

--You think you will get into a routine, but it never happens.  Day by day is all you can do.  Some times hour by hour or minute by minute.

--Every nurse has their own style.  All the change can be hard.

--Time never passes faster than when you are sitting and holding your baby.

--Time never passes slower than when you have to leave and are away from your baby.

--Days when there is "nothing going on" are good, because you aren't moving backwards, but they are hard because you can't "hurry up and get to the next step either"

--You never think about someone telling you IF you can hold your baby or not, or having to help you do it, until you've had a NICU baby.

--NICU babies have to meet all kinds of parameters before they can go home--pass a car seat test, be eating so much on a regular schedule, be consistently gaining weight--things you would never consider if you haven't been there.

--NICU parents have to do things too---take a "course" in infant CPR, watch the Purple Crying video, watch the Car Seat Safety video,  and pass off all those things with a nurse

--parents who have NICU babies are 1% of the population.  I don't even know what those of us who have had 2 NICU babies would be--pretty special I guess.

--There are way too many cords and wires in the NICU--holding your baby can be tricky when you are trying to navigate the cords.

--You could sit there all day and stare at the monitors as alarms go off--making sure 02 levels are good, respirations are normal, and heart rate is good.  All things you would never consider without the NICU "experience".

--when you are the one that can calm your baby down, and he fusses a lot when you aren't there, it is time for him to come home!  Nurses can't take the time that mom can to make them comfortable, and when you can't be there, and know they are medicating him to make him comfortable, it is among the worst of feelings in the world.

--tears are always right at the surface, ready to be expressed. ALWAYS.

--even the normal things aren't normal.  Walking past the baby section in the store can make you cry.

--you have crazy thoughts, which brings tears.  Why are you unloading the dishwasher when you have a little one in the NICU?  How can you be doing this when you should be with him.   How can you be with him when you should be with your 3 girls.  There is no good place, because your family is not together, and you feel guilty wherever you are.

--how can we ever adequately express the gratitude and thanks for all those who have helped us?  You can't.  You could never do this alone, and you can never really tell those who have helped just how much you love them, and are so grateful and appreciative for their concern and help.  THANK YOU.

--Prayers are a blessing.  Prayers work.  Prayers are answered.  Thank you for your prayers!

--Even on your worst of days, someone else has it worse.  You have to be grateful for your experience.  We could live out of state, we could be able to NOT hold our baby.  We could be doing this for MONTHS.  We could NOT have family around to help.  But we don't. We live close, we get to hold our baby, we know that it won't be "too" much longer, and we have amazing family and friends around to help.  How grateful we are for all of those things!

--No matter how tired, exhausting, draining and frustrating this all is, both physically and emotionally, we know that it won't really be that long before we look back on these weeks, and they are a distant memory, and we have a happy healthy little boy at home with us.  Right now it seems like forever before that will happen, but we gladly look forward to the day when it does.

I am sure there are several more dozen things I could add, but they come in the moment, not necessarily when you are trying to document them.  So know that we are hanging in there, and slowly making progress.

I will continue to update as I can.