Don't cross an ornery pregnant woman....

Anyone who has been there knows how frustrating the end of pregnancy can be. Well, I am there--like times 10! Yesterday we spent 5 hours in the hospital being "monitored", just to be sent home, still without any clue of what the plan is. I know, some women go through pregnancy never knowing, and it just "happens" at the end, but for me that is not how it works.

From about 28 weeks on, we have "plan". An end goal, a finish line, a date to wrap your brain around. Its the only way to sanity. With Aynsli it all went to pot, with Emalie, it worked better than expected.

I went on bedrest with Aynsli at 23 weeks, and was told, almost weekly, "we won't let you go a day over 37 weeks." That was still 14 freaking weeks, but it was an end goal. I had a calendar that I put a sticker on every day to mark off the days. And then, 37 weeks rolled around, and I was told- You are doing so well, lets keep going! What the HE--! You don't do that to a pregnant woman who hasn't been out of the house except to the hospital, in over 3 months! Those last 12 days were torture! The feelings and emotions were an incredible rollercoaster--and the frustration, anger, blame that HAD to be placed somewhere-were all very real. Stupid doctor anyway. (Didn't say it, but sure felt it) Does it matter now? Not one iota, but then it was what I lived, breathed, slept, and was all consumed with. So at nearly 39 weeks she is born, only to spend 25 days in NICU.

Fast forward to Emalie...no bedrest, similar blood pressure problems, planning on 38 weeks being the end. Get to 37, BP is high, baby is getting uncooperative, doc says--any reason not to have this baby? I certainly can't think of one. Born at 37 on the nose, comes home with mom on day two.

Today---or yesterday actually--36 weeks 5 days. Going in for NST, see doc, possible plan for induction, but at least plan made. NOT. Baby was not cooperative--just quiet--which I have told them all along--but they didn't like it. So after 1 1/2 hours monitoring, they think that I need to be admitted for further monitoring. 3 hours more monitoring--finally see doctor's face--and get nurse's spiel about how its important to keep baby in as long as possible--know you're done, but would hate to have baby and have to go to ICU...blah blah blah. I kindly kept my mouth shut, but really felt like saying--SHUT UP!! Don't give me the blah blah blah. You know nothing about me, or my situation, except what is going on right now. You have no idea that my 39 weeker ended up in NICU, and my 37 weeker did just fine. In reality, you have no idea what is going to happen, so don't try and tell me what is best. The outcome--go in again on Thursday for more monitoring--still no plan. Still no, we'll decide then, or whatever. All of those feelings and emotions from 16 weeks of bedrest came rushing back, and someone needs to pay. Somebody has to be at fault. Don't just string me along. Give me an end game, and if it happens earlier, great, but if not, then at least I am not yelling, screaming, ornery, depressed, frustrated, whatever, because you changed your mind midway through the plan. YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT TO A PREGNANT WOMAN!!!!!

Now I know, that in a month from now, none of this will matter--it will all be water under the bridge. But for this moment, it is everything!!! I can't sleep, I can't walk, I can't chase or catch my 16 month old, I can't do much of anything. But wait, and wonder when this journey will come to an end, and the next one will begin. Hopefully it will be soon.